practicing presence through active listening
In an era of distraction, one of the greatest gifts we can give people is our presence. Being fully present with another person includes listening well. Most of us have not been taught good listening techniques. Instead, we default to the listening style that we’re most comfortable with, which oftentimes doesn’t convey that we’re actually listening at all.
For example, when listening to a friend’s story about something upsetting that happened to her, I might be thinking about what I’m going to say next. I might ask her a lot of questions in order to gather the facts and give her my advice. Or I might try to console her with statements like, “It could’ve been a lot worse!” or “Anyone would’ve reacted that way.” I may even share a time when something similar happened to me to show her that I understand what she’s going through.
While my intentions underlying each of these responses may be good - like trying to demonstrate understanding, consolation, or connection - my friend may actually feel interrogated, judged, dismissed, or devalued. This is because our default listening styles often pull the focus of the conversation back to ourselves, rather than continuing to focus on the speaker and truly hearing the heart behind the words.
In contrast, active (or reflective) listening makes the speaker feel heard, understood, and valued by reflecting back feelings and themes that the listener heard throughout the story. The intention is to convey warmth, safety, and understanding. By actively listening, I’m conveying to the speaker, “I’m a safe person. You can share more with me.” When we listen and respond to people in this way, we’re following Jesus’ example of loving and serving our neighbor - the person right in front of us!
As everyday leaders and disciplemakers, how can we practice presence in our conversations through active listening? A simple acronym can help: ARC - Attend, Reflect, and Clarify.
Attend: Use attentive body language. Maintain eye contact, nod, smile, and use short words of understanding like “yes” or “go on” to prompt further sharing. Don’t interrupt the speaker, finish their thoughts, or fill any pauses. Accept their emotions without criticism or judgment.
Reflect: Paraphrase what you hear. Use your own words to rephrase and reflect back to the speaker the key aspects of what they’re saying (content, emotions, and behavior). For example, “It sounds like…” or “What I hear you saying is…” Summarizing what the speaker said builds empathy and openness, allowing the speaker to feel heard, affirmed, and acknowledged or validated.
Clarify: Clarify at any point to gain and show understanding. The goal of active listening is to gain understanding, not information. So ask the speaker if your summary is correct. For example, “I think you’re saying… Is that right?” Use tentative guesses to clarify understanding and show that you’re trying. For example, “You’re feeling left out?” Restate core feelings in a way that validates, not judges. For example, “I sense that you’re feeling frustrated.” Clarification builds trust between the listener and the speaker and greater self-awareness and clarity for the speaker.
We offer several free resources for everyday leaders to learn what it means to be a good listener and to practice active listening. Click on a title below to download that resource.
